My Humor Page

• You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
• A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
• In San Francisco, robbers hijacked a busload of Japanese tourists. Fortunately police have 3000 photos of the perpetrators.
• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening...But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
• "I see!", said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
• It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.-- Erasmus (c1465-1536)
• If you think there is some good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
• A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
• User - the word computer professionals use when they mean idiot.
• There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. -- C. A. R. Hoare
• At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
• In capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, it's exactly the opposite.
• The first 90 % of the task takes 90 % of the time, and the last 10 % takes the other 90 %
• On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

   

  Stephen Wright jokes - screamingly funny. Examples:

  • Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

  • I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

  • Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

  • I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

  • More Stephen Wright

   

  One of the funniest pieces I found on the Net was entitled Deep Thoughts (copyright by Jack Handey). I offer a few excerpts for your consideration:

  • One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
  • Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
  • If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
  • If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
  • I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
  • It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
  • To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
  • As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.